Aug 9, 2012

Shit Sandwich

Source
   I was home after work yesterday and of course, Ollie wanted to go outside and play so I put him in the backyard and messed around the house for about 15 minutes. He usually scratches the glass door to let us know he wants in and I recently had a hard time trying to clip his nails so I bought a sheet of light sandpaper at Home Depot to tape on our sliding glass door. I actually tested to see exactly where he scratched but so far he's been avoiding it. Clever boy. 
   It was so hot outside, I was surprised he wasn't scratching at the door after 5 minutes so I went to check on him. He was chewing on something next to one of his tennis balls. You should have seen him. He was totally entranced with this object and when I tapped on the glass to get his attention he looked at me with so much guilt in his eyes and slowly walked to the house with his non existent tail between his legs. I immediately put on some shoes and to see what it was. Oh Ollie.... Why? Why are you chewing on a DEAD RAT?! Oh God, it was so disgusting and it was huge. I rush back inside, grab Ollie from under the table and put him in the kitchen sink. I basically waterboarded my poor dog with the spray hose on the sink. I did a sniff check on his snout. Not enough. To the bathtub! I couldn't find his doggy toothpaste so I diluted a teensy bit of my own on an old toothbrush and started going to town on him. Poor baby. It's not his fault he's a dog. He was probably thinking "Holy shit! A real animal! With actual fur and BONES! Oh guys, you shouldn't have. Nom nom nom". He obviously wasn't liking all the toothbrush action and vigorous paw scrubbing but I was trying to let him know that this is what happens after you have a dead animal feast. Not too nice is it? GOOD.
   Luckily, James did the real dirty work by double bagging it and putting it in our garbage cart outside. I think I caught a whiff of it when I was leaving this morning. So sick! Is there anything worse than the smell of death? Now I'm freaking out that my dog caught some rat disease. Who knows how long it was dead before he got to it. I'm pretty sure Ollie doesn't have it in him to kill something that large. I'm assuming some asshole from the park behind our house tossed it over the fence. We've never had a rodent problem in or outside our house so I have no idea where it came from. 
   So we go about our evening. We caught a few episodes of Workaholics while eating dinner and the guys are trying to do manly shit because they realized they were pussies. They go on a camping trip with plans to kill an animal. They couldn't get guns in time so they settled for a crossbow, bow and arrow and a harpoon gun. They finally get their chance when they find a homeless guy's raccoon but chicken out with the weapons and then this happens:

"You saved my lady-catcher"

   Ollie didn't get sick or anything but I'm gonna watch him closely. I was sure he would try to find it again this morning when I put him outside but he was pretty quick and waited patiently by the door for me to let him back in. I start reading our new lease contract that has to be renewed by the end of the month and find out our landlord is raising our rent by $50 when he told James that he wasn't going to. Asshole. We'll have to talk with him later about that. I'm still annoyed about that. To top off my morning, I encounter yet another massive rat crossing the road right in front of my moving vehicle. My killer instincts kicked in and I actually tried to hit the damn thing. It got away. What the hell is happening to my neighborhood!? I've never seen a rat in the whole area and I find two within a 14 hour period. It's like my neighborhood is screaming at us to get the hell out. I really am an animal lover but at that moment, I wanted that thing dead. I blame Workaholics. 



Up the stairs, behind the doorShe was sitting there cryingShe smashed all the glasses on the mirrorWhich was shattered all across the room
She screamed so loudUntil she was laughingWell now, there's no more reasons for her to cryIt was so late, it was 4 a.m.
I know, I know, I know, I knowHe will never hurt you againI know, I know, I know, I knowHe will never hurt you again
Up the stairs, by the bedThere was a dead man waitingWaiting for someone to find him outAnd bury him deep down the ground
He looked so scaredBut not regretfulIn the other side of town a car drives fastHard to tell fear from happiness
I know, I know, I know, I knowHe will never hurt you againI know, I know, I know, I knowHe will never hurt you again
Rat is deadRat is deadRat is deadRat is dead
Up the stairs, behind the doorShe was sitting there cryingShe smashed all the glasses on the mirrorWhich was shattered all across the room
She screamed so loudUntil she was laughingWell now there's no more reasons for her to cryIt was so late, it was 4 a.m.
I know, I know, I know, I knowHe will never hurt you againI know, I know, I know, I knowHe will never hurt you again
I know, I know, I know, I knowHe will never hurt you againI know, I know, I know, I knowHe will never hurt you again, girl
The drawing up top is actually called "Pink Possum" by artist Rat-Sandwich on Deviant Art. 

2 comments:

  1. I hate rats and mice I am so scared of them so seeing 2 in a 14 hour period would have freaked me out.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hello dear,
    maybe you would like to follow each other's blogs with blogger and bloglovin?

    http://www.facebook.com/pages/wolffashion/369430966451649

    have a nice day!
    gV

    ReplyDelete

I love hearing what you think. Thanks for taking the time.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...