I don't know what it is but I've always been intrigued by that special period in time when women were portrayed and expected to act like total jackasses. Betty Boop immediately comes to mind. It probably pisses a lot of people off today but I, for one, embrace those special phrases. "Woe is me" "Well I never!" "Whatever shall I do?" *gasp!* and of course the long, drawn out, slightly high pitched *sigh*. I never expect any of this shit to actually work in getting me what I want. I just have fun doing it. I even named my Tumblr after a song in my favorite Betty Boop cartoon.
Keep your girlish figure
with a lot of exercise
Shake your hips and roll your eyes
stay away from cakes and pies
If you stick around till the end, you can see her get super skinny and then morbidly obese. I love it!
Since I was a little girl, there was something I always wanted to do that basically epitomized this Way of Women. Throwing a drink in a man's face! We've all seen it countless times in movies. Some girl's prefer a nice swift kick to the balls, but I wanted to keep it classy. And this, is one classy bitch move. Finally, my opportunity came.
I was 18 or 19, still living at home after graduating high school the year before. I just got my first car! A bright red 1992 Geo Storm hatchback or as I like to call it, my Flanders Mobile. Ok, his was a Metro but close enough.
"Make this thing to faster!"
"I can't! It's a Geo."
Ok back to my story. I just love telling stories! So it was a Friday night and my best friend Lauren and I were headed to some party in the middle of the woods. This was a regular occurrence in Bandera life. I distinctly remember crossing over cattle guards, going about 5 mph over a shitty dirt road and parking next to a giant hole in the ground with a tapped keg in the center. We were meeting our friend Billy. Lauren got her first car when she turned 16 so she did her fair share of driving my drunk ass around and I offered to be DD that night. Of course, the "party" was lame as hell but the keg was still full so we stuck around for a few hours. Billy was there with his roommate-of-the-month Robert and his good friend Neil. Robert was such an asshole. He was a big wannabe thug and this moron actually showed up in an all white velour suit. Did I mention we were in a dirt hole? Later on in the night, I was leaning on Neil's car and talking to him, Billy and Robert. Like I said, this guy was a complete tool and kept talking down to Billy most of the night. I finally got sick of it when he started calling him a "little bitch" and how much money Billy owed him for whatever. "Will you shut the fuck up already?" They all look at me. "You keep talking shit to Billy in front of his friends and we don't want to hear it." Billy had a little twinkle in his eye, Neil was laughing and Robert didn't skip a beat. "Bitch, shut up!" He had some beer leftover in his cup and tossed what was left on my legs. I look down at what's in my hands. A full cup of bright red Hawaiian Punch. I look at the cup, look at Robert and WOOSH! All over that motherfucker. Everyone, including myself, was shocked. He looked like he wanted to kill me. He probably would have if it weren't for the guys on either side of him so he just walked away. Billy was so funny. "WTF Mandy! That was awesome!"
Lauren saw the commotion from across the dirt hole and ran over. "What happened?!" I told her and said it was fine, "Don't Lauren". She didn't listen. I love that girl. We've been through so much together. She is so much fun and wild as hell. Her family is Irish and she proudly shows this off whenever she's about to fight. She makes these adorable turned-up fists, moves them around like bike pedals and is quick on her feet. Most of the fights I've seen her in are usually playful but she wasn't afraid to knock someone out.
She spotted Robert by the keg, refilling his cup. He looked like a giant, used tampon. "No Lauren, it's cool. I already got him." I didn't follow and I could see her talking shit. She had her hands in his face and was about to make fisties but he was already dumping his cup of beer all over her. I'm sorry Lauren but it was so funny! I told her what he did to piss me off and she decided to start a fight while he was filling his cup again. He just dumped it on her and started refilling it again. She was always sticking up for me. Love you Lauren!
We just spoke on the phone for the first time in months yesterday. She lives in La Porte with her fiancee Chris and their son Taylor. Out of nowhere she blurts out that she's pregnant with her second! Congrats! I hope you have a girl! I can read this post to her as a bedtime story. ;)